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The Unfuckable Mr. Trump

Not My President and the politics of eyesore

By Scott King

DONALD TRUMP IS UNFUCKABLE. Not only is he not my President, he is also not my fuck buddy. Ever. Ewww. Just … ewww.

I’m guessing this is a contributing factor as to why he can’t get any bills passed through sexual Congress. Would you allow him to join your two houses? I thought so.

Trump has nothing to offer. No charm, no grace, no manners, no ascertainable charisma, and no dick to speak of.

I’m sorry. That was rude. Where are my grammars? No dick of which to speak. And absolutely no sex appeal.

Not that he would, because he’s a good man and Michelle would kill him, but isn’t it fun to imagine President Obama leaning in (pre-Sandburg) and being like, “Yeah, Senator Scott King, you know you want to support the troops.”

Freedom isn’t free.

WHERE WAS I? OH, YES. UNFUCKABLE. First, a definition. King’ s dick shun airy defines “unfuckable” as follows:

un ° FUĆK ° able (adj.)

  1. So grotesquely unattractive, on every level, that even if you paid me, I’d still have to think about it, and would most likely decline.
  1. Ewww. Just … eww.

Ex. “I mean, I have pretty low standards, but this guy was just unfuckable.” Margaret Cho, 2000

I WOULD RATHER GET SYPHILIS from Melania than even look at Not My President’s sad, angry, entitled, tiny little red penis button. Tiny and not fabulous, I can guarantee you that.

I’m no size queen. I see God in everyone. Remember that beautiful book we all read in the ‘90s, The God of Small Things? However, President Trump’s tiny hateful penis and his huge unfuckability factor are I’m pretty sure the main reasons he seems to be doing everything by executive order in the oval office. An epic masterbatorium if ever there was one.

For a (daily) growing list of reasons, President Trump should be removed from office and sent to the pen to chill with his brotown Bernie Madoff. Or maybe even Guantanimo.

HERE ARE THE FOREVER FIVE hateful eight top ten reasons that you should not go into Donald Trump’s cubicle at the bathhouse.

I don’t care if it does say ‘Presidential Suite.’

  1. He orders his steak well done. With ketchup.

Now that’s what I call a steak, he said, as he was ironically choking on its ashes. If it’s undercooked, he’ll send it back. Then he’ll complain it’s overcooked. Then he’ll blame the Democrats for not tipping you.

Donald Trump is the kind of guy who would walk up to a cow in a field with a fork and knife. As a joke. Hahaha…. I’m the funniest president ever. Huge crowds today … yuge.

  1. His father was an asshole, too.

Apple, meet tree. President Trump’s father made his (and hence, Donald’s) fortune off of restrictive land covenants that kept poor black folk out of white people’s way. And he used generous post-war government subsidies that were intended to assist veterans to do it.

This guy makes Citizen Kane look like Michelle Obama. Woody Guthrie hated him. What more proof do you need? P.S. Woody Guthrie was a FOX. Look it up.

  1. Screw women, screw gays, screw every person of every color. What’s left?

I’ve had my share of straight guys. Even a Republican or two. It’s always fun to talk dirty to them about a woman’s right to choose.

But what would be left of the gene pool if Trump had his way? We’d all be swimming in shallow, shallow water. Don’t encourage the Donald’s dick at all. It will only lead to Darwinian ruin.

  1. He does not call before he comes.

When Trump gets excited, missiles explode. No foreplay, no sweet-talk with Congress, just noise, flash, and chaos. Then silence and smirk.

I know the type. I mean 58 tomahawks sound impressive, but who’s gonna clean up that mess?

  1. Resist.

He thinks he owns you. He’s rich. He’s famous. He’s president. He probably owns the Ms. Gay USA pageant.

But he is not President of Me. Or my Pussy.


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