Sometimes I lay in bed at night and wonder about God. I wonder if what’s said about gay people in the Bible is true. Then I wonder if there was even a God at all.
By Chris Vizzini
I’M NOT WHAT YOU’D CALL A devoutly religious person, but I do go to church at Saint Mark’s at times. I look around at all the different kinds of people. How different they all are from each other. I see straight, transgender, gay, lesbian and so on. It makes me wonder.
Sometimes I lay in bed at night and wonder about God, especially when I’m at my Mother’s house in the country where it’s terribly quiet at night. I lie in the pitch black with only a symphony of crickets and my thoughts. I wonder if what’s said about gay people in the Bible is true. I wonder if we have just come to be a people who pick and choose from the Bible. Do we tuck the loving parts of the Word under our pillows at night and forget about the “consequences?”
Then I wonder if there was even a God at all. Is he a made-up character intended to keep us in line, or so we don’t feel so small and insignificant? I know that’s where faith comes in as part of the story, but then I think about Jim Jones. He was Jesus to those people, and they died from faith. They didn’t just die like I imagine death would be with a certain amount of fear. Some of those people died in terror from drinking poison as their Jesus instructed them.
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I FEEL close to God, like after I’ve had my shower and climb into crisp sheets next to my dog. We lay there watching a movie, and sometimes for few flickering moments, everything seems as it should. I feel safe. Feeling safe in this world is a luxury I haven’t been always been afforded, so I wonder, Is that Him winking down on me to say he is, indeed, there?
I also feel him in springtime. The Dogwood petals blow in the wind in such a number that it looks like snow, and I can feel them blow across my face so softly that it seems like someone divine thought to make such a beautiful thing come to life.
I wonder what God thinks of two men who love each other. Or what He thinks when a man is inside another man. Is it lust if love has alchemized the two? I don’t see why God could create a person from birth knowing they’d be gay only to damn them to hell. That would be like making a cake and intentionally using salt instead of sugar. That would ruin a human being from the point of conception, so what would be the point?
The Bible would have us believe that Eve was created from a rib of Adam. I don’t feel it’s likely. To me, the Bible feels like a book of well-written allegories. Stories designed to teach but not to be taken literally, which so many do. The story of the rib might signify that Adam and Eve were so in love that he would sacrifice part of himself for her.
WITH ALL THESE UNCERTAINTIES, I don’t know what to make of God or what he makes of me. Maybe he doesn’t think anything at all because he doesn’t exist. Maybe it’s a story told by many mouths through history, with each person adding a little to fit what they believed, filled with what they knew to be good and true.
Or maybe He is here at times and other times he’s just looking after others somewhere else.
I may end up in Hell for even thinking any of this, but I think God wants people to use wonder to tell the truth; their truth. Otherwise, why would he have given us the ability to wonder and speak? Certainly He wouldn’t be exempt from wonder.
The answer is that there is no absolute answer. Maybe the answer is to find it for yourself. Ask questions, think with your heart, and treat others with love despite differences or ego. If there is a God, maybe that’s what it is to be saved. That just might be divinity.