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Trick, or treat? Signs he isn’t going home with you

6 signs that the guy you’re talking to is so totally and monumentally not coming home with you. 

By Scott King

You’re at the bar. With some friends. All of a sudden you and Mr. So Handsome Right Now are standing next to each other at just the right moment when one of you has something to say.

It’s magic. It’s perfect. It’s just the thing you didn’t know you were waiting for.

Then he checks his phone. Totally Satanic.

Here are six sick ways to know that your would-be new boyfriend is not coming home with you. Listen to the wisdom, children.

  1. He asks if you’re on Facebook.

This guy is so obsessed with social status he will never go home with anyone. But he will post a selfie. And tag a bitch.


  1. His ‘friend’ needs a ride home.

This guy is on Scruff, Grindr, Bear411, and two other apps you’ve never heard of.

He’s actually my favorite of the lot, because he is enjoying his life and will have sex twice before dawn. Just not with you.


  1. His Uber app is broken.

Apps don’t break, actually. That’s what hearts do. Also, guns don’t kill people. I kill people, with plaintive frowns.


  1. Have you met his friend Bill?

This guy is faux dating his best friend. They have bad, drunken, “third-base” sex five times a year.

They’re like Will and Grace but less funny and more co-dependent.

One of them will invite you back to one of their places to have drinks. Don’t go.


  1. We should hang out sometime.

Go ahead and do it. Ask this guy if he would like your number. He will say sure, if you’d like to give it to me. Give it to him.

He’ll text you back immediately and use lots of exclamation points. “We should hang out sometime!”

Call his bluff. Pencil him in.


  1. He says you’re really hot.

Take the compliment. Then leave. Back door friends are best.


Bars are fun. The Internet is more effective. Namaste.


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