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10 Best Movies I Never Saw

So everyone is supposed to have caught these, but yeah, I didn’t. Here’s all I need to know and what I watch instead.

By Scott King

I was very proud when I realized that I had seen all nine films nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars this year.

Just kidding. I only saw four of them. The four everyone else saw. Obviously, I was rooting for the Hidden Moonlight in the La La Land by the Sea.

Once the envelopes were distributed, I was happy with the results. But it still didn’t make up for Brokeback Mountain not winning.

And speaking of winning, here are my reviews of the 10 best films I’ve never seen, according to the AFI. The most trusted name in news.

Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

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Who is this kween? Is he going to Washington to become a physician’s assistant or something? Every time I think about watching this movie, I watch Advise and Consent instead. A tense think piece from under-sung genius Otto Preminger, A&C features some primo ‘60s male torso, and also the first American gay bar depicted on film. The novel upon which it was based was seen in the hands of both Nixon and Kennedy during the 1960 election. It’s worth the train fare to Washington, Mister Smith.

The Crying Game

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I know the secret: it’s transphobic. Love Boy George, though. Sheena was a “man”!

Casablanca


Remember when this great film was on Netflix? It’s like it was yesterday. I was like OMG Casablanca here’s looking at you kid The Usual Suspects etcetera. The first five minutes is a newsreel, setting the scene to give us content about World War II. Thank goodness, because that skirmish didn’t get much press coverage. Then I fell asleep. It’s nothing personal; it’s just what I do on Friday nights.

PS Casablanca means “White House.” Next!

Bonnie and Clyde

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I have never understood Warren Beatty’s sex appeal. Or Russell Crowe’s. Am I really gay?

Friday

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Sounds hilarious. I should watch it sometime, because “I don’t have a job. I don’t got shit to do.” I love this movie. Also, the origin of “Bye, Felicia.” Thank you, Ice Cube.

 

Chinatown

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Sounds racist. I prefer Funkytown. Jack Nicholson gives a tour de force performance. Mystery. Silence. Performance.

 

The Big Lebowski

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Straight people ruined this film. And this film, including my boyfriend Flea, ruined nihilism. Ruined it. I’ll give you a thousand dollars to stop quoting this movie. Shoot ‘er in the head, Wardell!

Reservoir Dogs

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Another accidental Netflix Friday night sleeping pill. I literally watch either Pulp Fiction or Django Unchained once a month. Total classics. The Like a Virgin monologue at the beginning of this movie is to die for. Literally.

Scarface

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Blink 182 took its name from this film. Need I say more?

The Breakfast Club

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Oh, you think you’ve seen this movie. It was on twice a week during the ‘90s when Dr. Ted Turner ruled basic cable. The ‘90s were good, but they were also an era when, if you smoked pot, you would sit around and talk about one day when they finally legalized smoking weed because it’s so ridiculous that it isn’t legal, but you knew in your heart of hearts that would never happen.

Well, it did, and then you also bought the DVD of Breakfast Club, and you realized they cut out a whole scene where all five of those misanthropes are smoking some major cheeba. Ally Sheedy’s dancing makes so much sense.

I hope you enjoyed my review at the 10 best films I’ve never seen. Hannah Horvath is my hero.

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