Daddy is there for you. This week, he weighs in when a friend – who happens to be the fiance of another friend – hits on you, and when your oldest gay gal pal goes off the rails for the last time.
There’s this guy in my circle of gays who I’ve known for several years. He’s recently asked his boyfriend to marry him, and we’re all planning on attending their excursion wedding in the spring. Now he’s sexting me. Yes, really.
First I got a dick pic, then I got a series of texts while he was obviously drunk asking if I want to come over and blow him, etc. It was embarrassing as hell in the moment, but the long-lasting implications are worse. We were in a large group a few nights after the text, and I can’t tell if he was ignoring it or doesn’t even remember it because he was so wasted.
This is not one of my closer friends in the group, but he’s definitely someone I’ll see every time I go out. Should I confront him? Say something to the fiancé? Say something to our mutual friends who know him better? I’m at a loss.
Oh Boy, Just Enervating Conflict & Trouble
I get the attraction to the intrigue and drama of this situation, but based on the facts you provided, almost none of this is your problem to handle.
It’s on him if he really does have secret feelings for you. It’s also his problem if he made a bad mistake while drunk. Even if he’s actually dealing with something that he can’t face sober, it’s still his issue. In none of these scenarios are you in a position to do anything meaningful about it.
If he’s actually getting ready to marry a guy while in love with someone else, that’ll ultimately be the other guy’s problem, too, obviously, but there isn’t a single thing you can do to make it better.
If you’re close enough, send a noncommittal message like, “Weird text last night. You OK?” If not and he never mentions it, you’ve got a great reason to develop compassionate, selective amnesia. Continue as if it didn’t happen. The text could mean nothing but a case of cold feet. If he doesn’t remember, great. If he does, he’s probably way more embarrassed than you are. If it happens again, you have more to go on. At that point, approach him and tell him in no uncertain terms to back off for the sake of everyone involved.
My first friend after we both came out – 20 years ago – has been rubbing me the wrong way for a while now, but he finally sent me a text so offensive that I’m done.
I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to fix it. I just want him out of my life, but I can’t exactly contact him and say, “Nice knowing you.” Help!
Didn’t Overstate Nasty Egregiousness
Actually, you can do that. Just because it seems awkward, there’s nothing wrong with saying that his comments were so awful that you want to end the friendship.
Word of warning: Do be sure, because the chance of taking it back is slim to none. I’ll trust you that it’s irreconcilable, if you’ll trust me that the upstanding thing to do is lay all your cards on the table and know that it’s a final decision.