In love with the wrong man, or obsessed and pushing limits of decency and sound mental health? Hey Daddy shows one guy the line, and another a way out.
I am a gay man who’s into the wrong man. A few years ago, I met a special guy, and we went out a few times. We hooked up for a booty call a few times after that. Now we keep setting dates, but he keeps bailing on me.
He responds when I contact him, but he never contacts me on his own. It’s always the same thing: He agrees to meet. He backs out at the last minute or stands me up. I cry and go off on voicemail or via text, and he ignores me. Days later, I feel bad for freaking out, and then I have to be the one to apologize.
Recently after he stood me up, I’d had enough. I went to his house after midnight, and it was, well, bad. I know it was wrong, but I’m sick of his mixed messages. I can’t break this hold he has on me. How can I make him stop leading me on?
Stop Taking Advantage & Literally Killing Earnest Recourse
You know that old saying, “It’s not him, it’s you”? Well it’s you, and that can be a hard thing to accept.
What you are doing is unhealthy for you and damaging to the other guy. What you call mixed messages sound more like attempts to diffuse the situation. He’s not leading you on. He’s trying to manage and appease your emotions so that it doesn’t escalate into something more scary and dangerous.
His actions are telling you all you need to know, so listen carefully: The two of you haven’t gone out or hooked up in years. You are not even ex boyfriends. He repeatedly ignores your frantic texts after standing you up.
He isn’t going to wake up tomorrow and realize you should be together.
I’m glad you acknowledge the pattern of behavior on both sides, because you should repeat it to a professional who can really help. You are obsessed, and should treat it like an addiction. Start by accepting that you’ve wasted years and immeasurable emotional energy on this guy.
You might also try confiding in trusted friends to hold you accountable. Have them check in and ask you how it’s going as you go through “recovery” from your obsession. If you don’t have anyone like that in your life, maybe check out a Reddit group called “No Contact.” Members there support each other in going cold-turkey from exes and other objects of affection they shouldn’t ever see.
There is no easy or quick solution to any addiction, so commit to a long-term solution – sooner rather than later.
My ex was a total asshole, but I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s been a year since I made a clean break got away from his lies and emotional abuse, but for some reason part of me still longs for him.
I’m talking to a sweet new guy now, but I can’t focus completely because this nagging voice won’t let him go. I know I should ignore it, but I can’t.
My Own Voice Enables Other Notions
Dear MOVE ON:
There’s no such thing as a clean break. Just because you know you “should” look ahead, it’s not always easy. Acknowledge unresolved issues from the relationship, and allow yourself to work through the emotions. Grieve. Where there’s closure, there’ll be peace.
Photo still from the gay French film ‘Stranger By The Lake.’
Daddy loves his boys. He knows the answers you need, and you’re going to get them. Reach out with your burning questions via our editor, firstname.lastname@example.org, and put “Hey, Daddy” in the subject line. Warning: Advice in this column is intended for entertainment and novelty. Proceed at your own risk. If you’re in trouble, ask a professional for help.