Just as you were about to lose it, Election Day looms to put half the country out of its misery, and in the other half into a whole new nightmare. You look like you could use a drink.
By Mike Fleming
Your reward for enduring the whole mess is this drinking game to watch the results by on Nov.8. Gather friends and follow our guide to drunken victory bliss, or drown-your-sorrows misery.
General Drinking Cues
Plan ahead. Make two batches of Jell-O shots. One red (Jello-O cherry or raspberry), and one blue (Jell-O Berry Blue). If you are a gay Republican, slam one back each time Trump wins a battleground state, and sit silently in your shame when he doesn’t. No drinky for you! If you are a Democrat, do one each time Clinton wins a battleground state, and have a blast!
Maintaining Momentum Early:
Any time a newscaster says “too early to call,” “the economy,” or “exit polls” take a sip of your drink. You’ll be drunk by nightfall.
Any time a politician or pundit says “take America back,” or “great again” take a drink and ask “from what?” and “when was that?”
If a conservative female pundit is shown who is not blonde, take a sip of your drink.
If a newscaster mentions a third party candidate, take a sip. If one of them wins a state, finish your drink. Hint: Evan McMullin has a shot in Utah.
The Obama Factor
For each time somebody says “continuing Obama’s legacy,” or “extending Obama’s policies,” take a drink.
For each time you hear somebody say “Michelle Obama”, especially in reference to 2020, take a Jell-O shot and slap that person. It’s way too early to think about another election year!
Every time someone brings up “lewd conversations,” “sexual assault” or “grabbing without permission,” consent to a sip of your drink.
Sip every time you hear “Rigged,” “Disaster,” “Tremendous,” “Wall,” “Immigrants,” “Debate,” “Racism,” “E-mails,” “Benghazi,” “Nasty.”
Find yourself a rival. Make a bet with your opponent – the losing party will have to fulfill their side of the bet. Whoever’s candidate wins (270 electoral votes to win). We look forward to seeing lots of drunk YouTube videos of people making a fool of themselves because of this. Sexual bets are appropriate too.
In the highly unlikely event there is a tie (269-269), both parties must fulfill the bets. Also, you should just call out of work the next day because the “around the water cooler” conversations might be enough to send you to the mental hospital.
News Network Specific Cues
If Wolf Blitzer breaks monotone, take a sip of your drink. If Anderson Cooper giggles, finish your drink.
If Chris Matthews has a hissy-fit and goes off on a tangent, take a sip.
If they say Obamacare more than 5 times in 2 minutes, take a sip.
Why are you watching C-SPAN? Hand over your keys. You’re Drunk.
Election Night Jell-O Shot Recipes
Dem Dog Blue:
Sorry Democrats, Jell-O Berry Blue is the worst tasting flavor of Jello. Follow this recipe to get a fun Hawaiian Punch flavor that blends well with the berry and adds a tart bite.
6 oz. package Berry Blue Jell-O 16 oz.
(2 cup) boiling water 8 oz.
6 oz. Island Blue Pucker
10 oz. vodka
Republicans, you’re a little sweeter then you give yourself credit for. And if you ask your governors, much kinkier in the bedroom than you outwardly admit.
6 oz. package orange Jell-O 16 oz.
(2 cup) boiling cranberry juice
6 oz. peach schnapps
10 oz. vodka
Please drink responsibly. David Atlanta is not responsible for impending hangovers, calling in sick to work, embarrassing yourself in front of co-workers, or any other potential outcome from playing this drinking game.