What’s the deal with the Gay Hug?

From boyfriends with extra friendly friends to a husband suspected of cheating because he and his bestie are so affectionate, these guys find trouble with gay rules of engagement.

Hey, Daddy!
I’ve finally ditched several years of hook ups and have been with a fantastic guy for several months now. I’m the gay guy with a herd of female friends. He’s the gay guy that knows every gay man.

I’m not the jealous type at all, but I feel like the lines are blurry as to what is appropriate in gay male interaction. I mean, should I be OK with someone coming up to my guy in a bar slapping him on the ass and kissing him on the lips?

I don’t have gay male friends, so this is kind of foreign to me.
Next Out Time, Maybe You Might Act Normal 

Congrats on your new relationship! Ain’t love grand? Of course, it comes with a whole new set of questions, and Daddy is here for you.

Gay rules of engagement vary from group to group, situation to situation, and man to man. Because it originated as a gay empowerment move and outward affirmation in a time when affection between men was forbidden, most touch-averse Southerners learned long ago to tolerate the “gay hug.”  While it’s as common as crewcuts, some of us still cringe when a sister-friend leans in for the lip smack, and still others could snap a neck muscle in reaction to some guy playing grab-ass without consent.

To answer your question, yes hugs, kisses and touching butts between some gay men is a thing. To answer another question, you get to decide what’s OK for you, and work together with your boyfriend on what works for you as a couple.

There’s yet another question that may or may not be lurking between the lines for you or others in similar situations. You say you’re not the jealous type, but if the implication is you’re insecure about him possibly cheating, return to your own first sentence: He is “a fantastic guy.” Either he is and you can talk to him about all this and grow closer, or he isn’t and you can’t trust him. The answer lies at the end of Communication Road.


Hey, Daddy!
I’m pretty sure my husband is cheating with his best friend. Their inside jokes don’t include me, their video game nights look like nesting, and I can tell they’re rolling their eyes behind my back.

They were best friends for years before my husband and I met, and more and more often they have me feeling like I am the third wheel. They don’t even try to hide touching each other, or things like kissing each other hello and goodbye. Should I be worried?
Pair Nesting, Only I Don’t

Since they are best friends of many years, it sounds like they would have had plenty of chances to hook up long before you came into the picture, and chose not to. What’s more, none of the things on your list  of “evidence” spells cheating.

Inside jokes are just that – inside – so necessarily exclusionary. Any two people hanging out, playing and laughing on a couch could easily “look like nesting,” and try as you may, you can’t see eyes rolling behind your back. Finally, some gay guys (see the previous letter) hug and peck as greetings.

If you’re still worried after considering all of this, ask about it directly. Either you’ll learn it’s true (doubtful), or you’ll be able to gauge whether the answer is a lie. You’ll also give your husband a chance to respond and put your worries at ease.


Hey, Daddy!
I’ve always been a cheater. I met my partner cheating on a boyfriend. I thought I was past it, until recently I began an affair. Why does it feel so good to keep the secrets and sneak around? I have no remorse. Am I a sociopath?
Not Even Egregiously Distressed Yo

You may not be a sociopath since you’re writing in about it, but your narcissism is showing. Adding excitement to your life at the risk of someone else’s feelings is selfish. If the thrill of getting caught excites you, you’re in luck: You will.

Daddy loves his boys. He knows the answers you need, and you’re going to get them. Reach out with your burning questions via our editor, mike@davidatlanta.com, and put “Hey, Daddy” in the subject line.  Warning: Advice in this column is intended for entertainment and novelty. Proceed at your own risk. If you’re in trouble, ask a professional for help.

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