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New Year’s music resolutions

Even as you indulge yourself this season, don’t forget that we’re hurtling toward those New Year’s Resolutions. Here are some we wish these recording artists would make – and keep – for their own good as well as ours.

 

You remember setting yourself up for failure – um, I mean making some well-intentioned promises to yourself – for 2015, right? How did you score? Do all of them? Keep at least one? None? Well don’t you worry, these aren’t judging eyes. The cool thing about resolutions is that everyone makes them – even famous people!

 

These are the ones that I created in my head about a few artists who I wish would take my advice and make the pledge to make a change in 2016.

 

Adele

“2016 will be the year that I stop being so sad.”

You are one of the coolest girls around with a wicked personality and a sailor mouth, so why not make a kickass, Parental Guidance, Straight Outta London type of album? Everyone knows you can slay a ballad and make it feel like you’ve lost the love of your life, but how about you throw a curve ball and put out an album with some dirty talking, dry humping tracks? Think less tissues and more bed room sheets. More Fetty Wap and less Celine Dion. You can do it.

 

 

Rihanna

“I, Rihanna, promise that in 2016 I will stop being so ratchet and put out an album.”

We get it: You’re edgy. You like to drink, show off your boobs, and get high. You are so hood. But how about we put all that ratchetness into some quality music. Go back to old Rihanna and make me dance all night long, not think about bitches owing me money. OK, well you can be a little ratchet, “but don’t get crazy” (in my best Bon Qui Qui impression).

 

Britney Spears

“This year, I will stop making music with Will.i.am.”

Just stop. If you’re thinking about collaborating with this person again, hold up. Will.i.am hasn’t put out a decent track since… well since ever, excluding Estelle’s “American Boy” that was banging. All shade aside, the dude is pretty flippin’ talented, but Britney you need to work with some other people who are ahead of the game, not still holding onto the glory years of “Boom Boom Pow.” #eyeroll

 

Sam Smith

“2016 will be the year that I find my testicles.”

Now don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love Same Smith. I’ve been #teamsamsmith since the beginning. But there comes a time, like Adele, when you need to branch out and make some uptempo music. I think it would be awesome to hear a song from you about getting drunk in the club and throwing up in a trash can a la Kesha! OMG! That would be fantastical! Not everything needs to be about losing love or being cheated on. Let’s switch it up a bit.

 

Justin Beiber

“My number one New Year’s Resolution is to stop being a little bitch about everything.”

Pretty much self explanatory. Bloop.

 

The Weeknd

“I will wash my hair at least once a month!”

Kidding! But one has to wonder if there are a few TV remotes and some spare change lost in that sweet abyss of hairy awesomeness. I’ve always wanted dreads, but I feel like that is such a huge commitment and according to my exes, I’m afraid of commitment. But I’m not bitter. Anyways, I’m sure people are saying the same about my current hair situation, so I guess I will be nice. See Santa! You were wrong! I can be nice, sometimes.

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