Chinese hospitals have started introducing automatic “sperm extractors,” which requires men to insert their penis into a “massage pipe” that can be adjusted according to the height of its user, and the speed, frequency, amplitude and temperature at which it operates. Leave it to the Chinese to invent a robot to perform the same job your right hand could.
Lindsay Lohan was allegedly assaulted in her hotel room by a man—identified as Christian LaBella, a staffer for Republican congressman John Shimkus of Illinois—who she met at a nightclub in NYC. After Lilo noticed him taking pictures of her, she confronted him, which is when he threw her on the bed, causing her to sustain scratches. She then reportedly ran out of the room, and when she returned, he “attacked her, choked her, threw her to the ground, and climbed on top of her.” Eventually one of Lilo’s friends managed to pull him off of her and she pulled the fire alarm to call for help, leading to his arrest as he was trying to flee the hotel. LaBella was initially charged with two misdemeanor counts of assault and two counts of harassment before having the charges dropped after police say there was not enough evidence to support Lindsay’s claims. Now why would Lilo be so worried about these pictures? Clearly they must have been of her gardening and doing charity work, because we all know she’d never put herself in a compromising situation.
At a concert in Arizona, Justin Bieber vomited on stage. Now he knows how the majority of Americans feel about his music.
Arnold Schwarzenegger writes in his new book that his affair with Brigitte Nielsen while they were filming Red Sonja only made him realize he wanted to marry Maria Shriver, who he was living with at the time. Who says romance is dead?
50 Cent took to Twitter to announce that he’s practicing abstinence and shun masturbation, saying in a series of tweets: “Masturbation is a sin, you stop right now fool! God is watching you. Step 1. To avoid the urge to masturbate, stop going to porn sites. Step 2. Make a conscious decision not to turn your head after people walk by you. Step 3. Do not go to strip clubs. Step 4. Do not look at lust filled magazines.” Considering practically every doctor will tell you masturbation is healthy, I’m gonna follow the advice of the guy with the MD, not the rapper who doesn’t even have a high school diploma.
Rihanna released her new single, “Diamonds”… which is really less ‘diamonds’ and more so cubic zirconia.
On the season finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Honey Boo Boo became an unintentional LGBT ally when she said, “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with bein’ a little gay. Everybody’s a little gay.” It’s amazing that a 7-year-old from McIntyre, Georgia has a more coherent view of homosexuality than the 70 percent of the country that still believes homosexuality is a choice.
Cecil Chao, a Hong Kong-based billionaire property magnate, has offered $65 million to any man that can woo his lesbian daughter, Gigi Chao, away from her partner of seven years, Sean Eav, and convince her to marry him. Even though the couple was married in France in April, Cecil says, “[The prize money is] an inducement to attract someone who has the talent but not the capital to start his own business. Gigi is a very good woman with both talents and looks. She is devoted to her parents, is generous and does volunteer work.” I have only one question: where the hell do I sign up? Being a reverse beard for $65 million was the job I was born to do.