Snooki announced via Twitter that she and her fiancé Jionni LaValle welcomed a baby boy, Lorenzo Dominic. Gays, it’s time for us all to send her a muffin basket because if ever there were an argument in favor of us being legally allowed to have children, it’s this one.
If you felt bad for Katie Holmes after it was revealed she got neither a lump sum nor spousal support from Tom Cruise (per the terms of their prenup), fear not. It’s been revealed that, in addition to paying over $33,000 each month in child support, Tom let Katie keep millions (that’s millions) of dollars in jewelry, handbags, and luxury items. “Katie’s handbag collection includes custom-made Hermès Birkins […] Katie probably got at least ten Hermès handbags as gifts from Tom during the course of the marriage, ranging in price from 10k-50k each.” So, dry your tears and just think about the fact that Katie Holmes will be carrying around your yearly salary on her arm every time she steps out of the house.
The Salt Lake City-based, Mormon church-owned NBC affiliate KSL has announced it will not be airing NBC’s upcoming show, The New Normal, which follows a gay couple who have a baby via a surrogate, due to “inappropriate content,” “excessively rude and crude” dialog, and “offensive characterizations.” When one of the show’s stars, the incomparable Ellen Barkin, caught wind of it, she was none too happy, taking to her Twitter to call the censorship “blatantly homophobic,” adding, “So [Law & Order SVU] (rape & child murder) is ok [sic]? But [a] loving gay couple having a baby is inappropriate?” Well, if there’s one thing we know, it’s that gay couples never fare well in primetime… like Modern Family. And that shows featuring a politically incorrect boozehound (Ellen Barkin’s character) are always failures… like Will & Grace and Arrested Development. And we certainly know that shows willing to push the social envelope are destined to be flops… like Glee.
Bow Wow is crying, “Photoshop!” after his Twitter account was allegedly hacked and a photo showing what appears to be Bow Wow in a shirtless embrace with another man was posted to his account, thus insinuating he may be gay. Once it was brought to his attention, Bow Wow tweeted, “i got 2500$ to any Detroit ni–a that finds @7_i_am and slaps the piss outta dis ni–a. Word!” This kind of stuff always makes me laugh because, at its core, it’s literally the same as if I were to get offended for someone insinuating I was *gasp* straight (the difference, of course, being most heterosexual males inherently associate homosexuality with a lack of masculinity… the delicate male ego).
File under ‘Stories That Are Too Good to Be True’: esteemed news publication The Enquirer alleges that 63-year-old Jessica Lange is carrying on a relationship with her American Horror Story co-star Sarah Paulson, 37. Leave it to The Daily Mail to shit on my dreams by contacting Jessica’s spokesperson, who said, “This story is completely fabricated and untrue.” Sigh. I guess I’ll just have to be content with the news that Rosie O’Donnell and Michelle Rounds got married.