After my funeral at the Jungle on June 20, 2010, I thought for sure I was bound for the pearly gates. After all, I did a lot of good shit down on earth. Well, I got there and St. Peter was having a cosmo with Dixie D. Cupp and stopped me short of entering. He looked at me and said, “Uh-huh! Down for you”! I was like, “what the Hell?” He said, “EXACTLY!” I continued to argue with him for weeks but to no avail I finally decided to descend down faster than a line at Backstreet.
I got there and it’s really not that hot. Tons of Republicans and evil drag queens sitting around watching FOX News. I walked up to Lucifer and said, “I am here for duty.” He looked at me and said, “Get your goody two-shoes ass out of my world! I can’t stand people like you!” I did manage to see his list of new residents that are coming soon…Let’s just say Chick-fil-A will be looking for a new leader. I knew I was not meant to be there, so I left, and since then I have been floating around in limbo helping other lost souls find their way.
I have of course successfully helped a few and others not so successfully. I was there helping Whitney dog paddle, but you know black people can’t swim that well. Damnit! Well, since I was getting bored I checked out the Olympics. Some fun was definitely had there. Jordin Wieber should have been nicer to those other girls, and I caused the hair stylist to lose Gabby’s hairbrush. Having spent all that time in London caused me to come down with a case of Union Jack fever which caused me to end up in Vegas. There’s a reason why fire and Prince Harry’s hair are both red! I whispered in Prince Harry’s ear to cover up the fire crotch and 2 inch penis. No reason to see the petite crown niblet.
But lately Atlanta has needed my help…A LOT! Smoking in bars, too many burger restaurants, gaggles of bridal showers taking over OUR bars. I tried to un-confuse voters that it was the T-SPLOST and not G Spots, but it didn’t work. However, I believe my greatest accomplishment was finally helping to get Knomie Moore’s family on television. I hope you enjoy Honey Boo Boo…You better Redneckinize!
See you at the $2 million show on September 23rd at Burkharts Pub…maybe?! BIG KISS!