You guys, Michael Lohan knocked somebody up. And not just somebody, his estranged girlfriend, Kate Major. You know, the one that had a restraining order against him at the time he knocked her up. If ever there were a case for government-mandated sterilization, I’d venture to say he’d be the posted child.
Octomom was snapped dancing at a strip club in Florida. I understand a girl’s gotta pay the bills, but does this woman know how to do anything besides grind a pole?
Now that the divorced is finalized, Katie Holmes has reportedly enrolled Suri in a private Catholic school, Convent of the Sacred Heart in Manhattan, which boasts such alumni as Paris Hilton, Caroline Kennedy, and Lady Gaga. If there’s any group of people that could fuck you up worse than Scientologists, leave it to the Catholics.
Kelsey Grammer and his wife, Katye (pronounced ‘Katie’—I hate when people try to get fancy spelling basic names), are the parents of a new baby girl, Faith Evangeline Elisa Grammer. The mating habits of the moderately talented and über-wealthy perplex me. They can remember mountains of dialogue overnight, but can’t remember to wear a condom.
During a concert in London’s Hyde Park, organizers cut off Bruce Springsteen’s mic because he ran 30 minutes past the park’s curfew. To add insult to injury, Paul McCartney also happened to have been making a surprise appearance with Springsteen. I’m not a Springsteen or McCartney fan, but come on, they’re fucking legends. Why doesn’t anyone ever bother to turn off Justin Bieber’s mic or hit ‘Stop’ during one of Chris Brown’s lip-synched performances?
Lindsay Lohan, Lady Gaga and Lana Del Rey all apparently had a powwow at the Chateau Marmont, which involved dinner in the garden, followed by a night of “[playing] dress up, [watching] old movies and [playing] board games”… which I assume means they dress up like coke whores, put on Scarface and used a board game as the hard surface from which to snort their blow off of. My kind of party.
Speaking of Bieber, a woman is suing him, his record label, concert promoters, and an arena for ruining her hearing. As hilarious as it would be to report that it was directly related to the Biebs himself, she’s actually asking for $9.23 million after his screaming fans allegedly caused her to develop tinnitus, “which causes a constant pulsing, whooshing sound that makes it hard to sleep.” The upside to all of this is that she’ll never have to hear another Justin Bieber song, and that, my friends, is what we call a silver lining.