I took a nap at about 1 PM the other day, and woke up to at least 12 texts about Lindsay Lohan supposedly being found “unconscious” in her hotel room. I’ve been bracing myself for years in preparation for Lindsay’s untimely death, so naturally I was expecting the worst when I checked TMZ for an update. Turns out the bitch was just sleeping! After I finally settled my heart palpitations, I read that two crew members in the hair department of Liz & Dick (the Lifetime Elizabeth Taylor biopic) were also being treated for “exhaustion and severe dehydration.” I get that they’re shooting this film in 20 days, but this isn’t Roots. You have air-conditioning, craft services, and are permanently stationed in the penthouse at the Ritz-Carlton during shooting. Things could be worse. Let’s not be so dramatic.
Shia LaBeouf appeared in a video for the Icelandic band Sigur Rós, where he graciously flashed a little side peen (see below). I don’t care if he looks like he regularly bathes in a tub of flan, I’d still hit it in a heartbeat (or the pulse of a dick, whichever).
A 63-year-old woman visiting South Korea got a money shot to the mouth from a squid when its “small, white spindle-shaped bug-like organisms lodged in the mucous membrane of her tongue, cheek and gums.” Gross.
Alec Baldwin got into another fight with a paparazzo. In other news, the sky is still blue, the grass is still green, and Nick Stahl is missing again.
Forbes has published their annual list of Hollywood’s highest-paid actresses, with Kristen Stewart topping the list, earning a reported $34.5 million last year. Cameron Diaz came in second with $34 million. Just to put that into perspective, three-time Oscar winner Meryl Streep (and 17-time nominee) was ranked number eight with earnings of $12 million. Statistics about the American education system or defense spending are less depressing than the fact that Cameron Diaz made more last year than Meryl Streep.
Johnny Depp and his wife of 14 years Vanessa Paradis have announced they’re splitting. Considering he looks like a homeless guy and she looks like a meth addict, I’d suggest they skip eHarmony and go straight to Skid Row to find their rebounds.
A news agency in China issued an apology after they reported on a “mystery mushroom” discovered in a small village that turned out to be “a double-headed masturbation toy with an artificial vagina on one side and an artificial anus on the other.” I wish I’d thought of that excuse the time I accidentally left my Fleshlight out for my parents to find. “Sex toy?! Mom, Dad, you don’t understand: it’s a special, medicinal Chinese mushroom. It’s in the best interest of my health.”