A Year in Rear View

December 28, 2011 | by Tristan Timothy

At this time in December I usually take a look back at what I’ve done in the year and see what could be improved… and all together avoided going into the New Year. For example, I can improve my work out routine and completely avoid any alcoholic beverage that has a psychotic blue color. Here are some other things that I’ve learned throughout 2011.

I’ve learned that when someone invites you to a party because “my friend Molly is in town” they aren’t referring to an old college roommate and you should expect to find a bunch of really excited, overly touchy gays.

I also vow to improve my drunk tipping. It’s hard to see how many zeros you’re adding after too many blue drinks. $1, $10, and $100 all look the same.

I’ve learned that no matter how together that twink you met at the bar seems to be, he’s going to end up asking to borrow money within a week.

In order to avoid unsettling hook-ups I’ve realized that you need to specify that you expect them to have all 10 fingers and toes.

To expand my social circle in 2012, I plan to become friends with every lesbian I’ve flirted with, thinking they were the prettiest guy I’d ever seen.

When my lease is up next year I’ll hire workers to move my furniture, now knowing that gay friends are useless when it comes to lifting things outside of a gym.

I’ve found that when a straight guy gets blackout drunk around you multiple times and keeps telling you how much he “loves you bro” it’s really a proposition for a blowjob.

In the same vein, when hooking up with someone who implicitly required discretion, don’t wave or give sexy looks when you see him in public with a woman and child. (Sorry again ‘MarriedGuy79’).

And finally, this year I will avoid group texting pictures of my penis as a “Happy New Year” message. Instead these should be sent individually so everyone still feels special.