WTF?! – Paula Deen Kills America

Lucas Witherspoon
Lucas Witherspoon

Anthony Bourdain is a douche, this we all know. It’s part of his charm. We would not want to see Bobby Flay… well, period, but particularly not when eating a spleen sandwich in Sicily and getting unabashedly wasted on-camera. Bourdain, however, received flack for spewing insults at a host of Food Network stars, including Georgia native Paula Deen. Specifically, he labeled Deen “the worst, most dangerous person to America” and a woman who “revels in her unholy connections with evil corporations.”

Personally, I find it hard to pick on someone like Paula Deen. Sure, it’s apparent her Southern drawl is highly over-emphasized (no true Southerner uses “y’all” that often unless it’s for show) and she has an uncanny ability to double the caloric volume of any food item by saturating it with butter, but I’d hardly label her the “most dangerous person to America.” I reserve statements like that for, say, Jamel Ahmed Mohammed Ali Al-Badawi, a.k.a. the mastermind behind the 2000 USS Cole bombings who currently holds the number-one spot on the FBI’s Most Wanted Terrorists List. Passing off fudge and marshmallow fluff sandwiched between two oatmeal raisin cookies as a dessert is disgusting, but if it happens to be the final nail in the coffin before you have a heart attack, let’s be honest, you were unhealthy before Paula Deen came along.

As for her “connections with evil corporations,” I believe that’s called “merchandising.” It’s comprised of cookware, cake mixes, scented candles, etc. It’s all very tacky, but she’s hardly some home products mastermind, subliminally seducing us into buying colanders and chocolate chip cookies to further her evil plot to make everyone in America obese. We were doing a fine job of that on our own prior to Paula Deen, and as her popularity wains, chances are we as a nation will continue to poison ourselves with lasagna sandwiches (which is literally just an enormous square of lasagna placed between two halved pieces of toasted garlic bread) and deep fried butter balls.

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