By the time I realized that I had set myself up on a date with a ‘Little Person’ it was too late to go back. Truly, I felt that I had sabotaged myself into this one. Peering over the hood of my SUV at his four-foot frame my mind played over conversations had earlier that day. His Grindr profile had stated that he was five feet even but he had said that guys “only liked him for his size.” I thought it was a penis reference. Then there was the skewed ass shot he had sent, where my coworker noted that the window seemed at an oddly low angle in proportion to those perfectly formed cheeks. But how could this happen? I took all the right precautions. Chatted with him for days before meeting, once doing a video call while he was driving. His feet had seemed to touch the pedals just fine. Hadn’t they? My coworker, Stacy, had called it from the jump. “His arms are too short,” she observed. “He’s MUSCULAR” I responded.
I had decided to drop in on my “little friend” unexpectedly while I was in his neighborhood. The phone call was brief and we both seemed nervous and excited. He told me to pull into his parking lot and he would be right out, he had to take out the trash. Not wanting to look over-enthused I played Angry Birds on my phone glancing up every now and then to see if the person matched the pics. Sometimes I play “does the penis match the pics?” but that’s a different article. It was when I heard that Grindr ping on my phone saying “What do you think?” and looking up to still see nobody in my visible line of sight. Then I knew Stacy had been right.
Lowering my glance there he was, the top of his spiky blonde head jutting an inch over the horizon of my hood. I resigned that backing up like I was fleeing the onslaught of a volcano would make me a bad person, so I let him lead me to a parking spot. I would, at the least, have to get out of the car. If for nothing more than the fact that Stacy would be expecting to hear a better end to the story. Entering his house I took in everything. The lowered couch, the stepladder by the DVD rack, and another in the kitchen. He offered me something to drink, apologizing for the heap of dirty dishes gathered in the sink. “You should get a little Asian maid to help you with…” I cut myself off. Had I really just insulted him and made myself sound slightly racist in the first sentence. Quickly recovering, we took a seat and chatted about his choice in artwork, circus themed. His DVD collection, Hobbits. Then there were the clothes — Old Navy, kid’s section. Running out of things to say I made up an excuse to leave and told him I’d see him later that night.
Driving home I asked myself, “Would I see him later that night?” I am not an opportunist per se but I do believe that when the universe hands you something, small as it may be, you should make the best of the situation. Figuring that the Jesus version of myself would keep his word, I decided that I would be seeing him later that night, but first I had to make some calls.
To Be Continued…