WOODY MILLER
| 8.27.2008
I am having a sexual affair with this hot 28-year-old blond who is married to a woman. We totally dig each other and have hot sex every time we meet. On discussing this with my gay friend, he called me a home wrecker and said I should stay away from married guys.
I beg to differ. I feel it’s totally the married guy's problem — not mine. I only have sex with him and am not attached to him in any other way. He would find someone else to hook up with anyway, even if I were to say no. What do you think?
— AFFAIRY
You kinda had me on your side until you got to the, “If he didn’t do it with me, he’d do it with somebody else” part.
Now there’s a reason to sleep with somebody who’s breaking his vows to another person.
The problem with your logic, and I must say, I’m impressed with its selflessness, is that no matter how much you want to rationalize your behavior, there’s still a third person left on the side of the road, choking on your dust.
I wonder what you would say if the hot blond was in a committed relationship with a guy. Would you consider that home wrecking? Would that stop you from running your hand down his treasure trail into the Promised Land?
Yeah, me neither.
Seriously, you’re sitting on the horns of a dilemma — with no lube. You’re either a home-wrecker rationalizing your involvement in an adulterous relationship or the agent of change to somebody with an identity crisis.
For the sake of argument, let’s assume that he’s not bi, that he’s a closet case and that his wife does not know and would be horrified to find out that she’s hitched to a ‘mo.
On the one hand, cheating is cheating. On the other hand, if there’s an awakening toward a more authentic sexual orientation, is that cheating or self-realization?
Take former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey’s example. Did his wife break up with him because she discovered his affair or his orientation? The infidelity was the least of her problems. In fact, even if he didn’t “cheat,” it’s doubtful she would have stayed with him.
Before we get to the fun part — judging you — we first have to judge your hot blond. Is he cheating? If he is, then you’re complicit in his wife’s betrayal. But is he? If you’re living a lie, is there such a thing as cheating? If society railroaded Blondie into an inauthentic life, then what choice does he have but to “cheat” his way into a more authentic one?
I suppose he could get a divorce and then fool around, but anybody who’s come to terms with their homosexuality knows it rarely works that way. First, you go through a profound denial. You don’t want it to be true, so you try to hold up the marriage by having sex on the side -- the kind that “doesn’t count” because it’s with guys. Eventually, the façade collapses under the weight of its own longing, and everyone gets caught under the rubble.
In the end, yes, you’re an accessory. But it’s a misdemeanor, not a felony. In fact, it’s on the order of jaywalking or speeding. As the proverb goes, “It’s fatal, but not serious.”
I, for one, would not give up a hottie because he’s married to a woman. Not if I could come up with a dazzling rationale like the one I just wrote. Then again, it's your conscious you have to sleep with, not mine.
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