JONATHAN PERRY
| 8.27.2008
A FEW YEARS AGO, I spoke at a New York conference on crystal meth and barebacking, and what I told that audience of nearly 1,500 people has become my breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday for the past month.
“Crystal meth is not an issue in the black community.” Naïve, simple me! Now I'm eating those words. So, please pass the hot sauce!
Addiction to any drug is no punk, but watching someone I love lose himself to crystal meth is like watching him drown and I can’t save him. Especially since he doesn't see a need or reason to be saved, because he doesn't believe he's sinking.
He sits in a dark room, and I thought by sitting in there with him, he would see that my love was real. Now we both need help; and I have some serious, life-altering decisions to make.
I used to say, “God could not hear hard enough or answer fast enough for me.” Surely, if I saw what I saw, then God had to see it too.
I saw it all: the anger, paranoia, depression, insomnia, hallucinations, aggression and hostility. I couldn’t do anything but cry because I felt helpless and I couldn’t help him.
Emotionally, he is muted, would rather watch me burn than piss on me to put the fire out. That’s when I realized it was time for me to get my life back. But how would I do that when I wanted him to be there also?
We don’t always get what we want. People are not property and not devoid of making their own decisions. He made his, and I had no recourse but to respect it, make mine and move on without him.
Everyone is on a journey, and it is not incumbent upon any person to dictate another’s way. It is hard to wrap your mind around the idea “You can’t help e’rybody, because e’rybody don’t want yo’ help.”
You have to know when to let go — even of the ones you love. It’s hard and it hurts like hell; but consider what’s at stake — YOU!
I was never addicted to drugs; I was just a bad ass boy. For my grandmother, letting go came in the form of “turning me over to Jesus!” Not that she gave up on me or stopped loving me, but she chose not to be a part of my mess.
She knew that quitting while you are ahead is not the same as giving up. She didn’t have to be a part of my mess to love me.
Sometimes the word you need can’t be pretty, because then you might miss the gist of what is being said. You have to hear it like it is in order to get it.
“If you don’t go, that nigga gon’ kill you! ‘Cuz while you loving him, he’s loving them drugs,” my friend RH told me, reminding me of my potential. “You are a handsome man, you been doing all the caring, now you need someone to care for you.”
Here I am stressing about someone who don’t give a damn whether I am alive or dead in his high state, which is all the time. He could care less.
With my weight constantly fluctuating and not getting any sleep, I realized there is no way I can be in love with this man and love me at the same time. I can love him, but from a great distance, because being in love with him is literally killing me — inside and out!
Being in love with someone not capable of at least loving me back is like a 30,000 feet free fall with no parachute. I am the only one getting hurt.
Crystal meth addiction is serious, and the people addicted don’t think they need help. As I look into his eyes, I see him slipping away more and more each day. I love him, but I love me too, and I WANNA LIVE!
It’s amazing how disconnected we find ourselves when we seek, desperately, to connect or stay connected to the things and people that were never, or are no longer, good for us.
Inside, I knew better, but instead of looking out for me, I got caught playing “Captain save-a-_____.”
Now, I am the one who needs saving — not saving from drugs but “Please someone find me!” — in the words of my girl Ledisi!
What I am seeking is me, and if it isn’t, then it’s bondage and good for nothing. It is as the Buddhist writer, Wei Wu Wei puts it, “non-volitional living.” So I let it go — I let him go!
It is important to recognize the power of our emotions – and to take responsibility for them. An attitude of joy helps alleviate states of hopelessness, loneliness and despair. Our relationships with others thus naturally improve, and little by little, so do the people around us.
Remember, in any journey, you only have one step to take: the one you are taking right now.
Jonathan Perry joins David on a regular basis as of this week. He has a lot more to say at www.justbthat.com. Reach him through editor@davidatlanta.com.
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