WOODY MILLER | 7.2.2008
I met this guy while I was on vacation in Florida last week, and I felt something inside of me that I haven't felt in a while. He’s 42 and I’m 53, though neither of us looks it.
I really like this guy, but the downside is he lives in Connecticut. I have called him several times, and he has only texted me once. Should I keep calling and hope he will eventually answer?
— SPRING (HEART) BREAK
How could you be 53 years old and still have that confused look ostriches get when they hear two whistles?
I’d just be enabling your cluelessness if I flat-out told you what to do. So let’s kick-start your emotional intelligence with a little exercise: Think back to the last time you responded once or twice to somebody who blew up your phone with calls and texts. Why didn’t you respond?
Was it because you were too busy? Because you never got any of his messages? Because you were stuck in a dead zone for a month and couldn’t call out? Because you weren’t “ready for a relationship?” Because you had intimacy issues?
Or hello, was it because you weren’t interested?
I’m assuming that noise I just heard was common sense kicking the shit out of your hopes. You can avoid this kind of heartbreak with the next Mr. I Know He Loves Me So Why Isn’t He Calling Back? Here’s how:
Don’t Text Him Again Until He Responds.
Before you send that second text/call/email ask yourself, “Did he respond to my first text?” If the answer’s no, and you still want to send him another text, ask yourself a second question: “Do I want him to see me as a ‘Potential Boyfriend’ or a ‘Potential Restraining Order’?”
Mirror The Timing Of His Response.
If it took him a day or two to respond to your first text then take a day or two to respond back. His timing is a form of communication. Ignore this at your peril.
Generally speaking, the longer he takes to answer the less interested he is. There are three main reasons he waited more than a day to text you back: a) He’s just not that into you b) He’s got a boyfriend or somebody else he’s more interested in, or c) He’s dealing with drama — an ex who won’t leave him alone or worse, a cowlick that won’t stay down.
In any case, the worse thing you can do is assault him with a barrage of texts or calls.
Wait A Few Days To Confirm He Got Your First Message.
It’s entirely possible that he didn’t get it. I’ve accidentally deleted emails and texts before (you should have heard my howls). Stupid shit happens and you need to make sure his silence isn’t a product of bad luck.
But wait a couple of days before you hit him with a simple, “Just wanted to make sure you got my message from a couple of days ago.”
Hope, longing and desire can make us deaf, dumb and blind. That’s why we can’t see the obvious or understand that silence is a response. In fact, silence says a lot more than anything a guy could say. Words can be misunderstood, silence cannot.
OK, one last thought: Don’t be foolish enough to think persistence will win him over. Yes, perseverance can pay big dividends but only if you know .
Ask anybody who’s been on the receiving end of somebody who just can’t take “No” for an answer: Persistence without patience is harassment.
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